Not normally the lucky one

I’ve won a few things in my life—I’ve been given some great opportunities, but I’ve never been the one to win the car or the big trip.  But now that it looks like we are actually going to be able to pick up our little boy I feel so humbled and blessed.  I am excited beyond all measure, but I am haunted by the knowledge that there are families out there whose files have been closed.  How bitter sweet.  It hurts to know that there are wonderful families who have prayed, seen miracles, experienced confirmation and trekked through the same 2-3 year adoption journey as us, yet their files are being closed.  How devastating.  I know all the Christian truths and ‘silver linings’ (I’ve come to hate those well intentioned silver linings by the way), but it’s still hard to digest the situation.  We were no more deserving or faithful to receive a referral.  I am so grateful and filled with joy, yet I shake my head and tears fill my eyes with the knowledge that years of hope, obedience, sacrifice and longing are met with such an abrupt halt.  It’s hard because I still believe that God is amazing, in control, Holy, perfect and much much, more, but I don’t understand why this happened.  I pray for a miracle for the families.  I pray for comfort, and that they would feel God holding them close. 

Am I Dreaming?

Throughout this process I have had a number of dreams about holding my Rwandan child or going over to get him.  I had one the other night and although it was odd (as most dreams are) it was wonderful to hold my little guy.

The day after my dream, my husband and I were at a fundraising banquet with friends when we got a call from our adoption agency contact.  She said that the Ontario ministry was willing to wave the restrictions on their licence (that our child must be a true orphan) and change it to either being a true orphan or being abandon)!  This means no 2 hearings we can just continue!!!  We have been waiting for this news since September and now it looks like we can keep going in the process—one big step closer to bringing our little guy home ... PRAISE GOD!  So the entire evening at the banquet I was teary and excited and so very scared that this was just another dream.  I’m still worried that I’ll wake up and have the hearing looming over my head, but I’m pretty sure it’s for real this time.  I hope this brings some of you waiting moms and dads some hope.  Good news for one of us is good news for us all J

I hope this means in just a couple of months we will be flying out to see our little boy... and that he will be able to be home with us for the summer. 

Happy 3rd Birthday Little Guy!

Yesterday was our little Rwandan’s 3^rd birthday.  I was so sure we’d have him with us to celebrate but sadly that wasn’t the case.  Rather than just mope around thinking about the fact that he’s not here, Shawn had the great idea to go out and celebrate his birthday anyways.  So that we did!

We decided to drive into London (about 30minutes away) and have dinner at Swiss Chalet (a family favourite) and go to a move (which we rarely do).   I decided to take a bunch of pictures so that some day we will be able to show our little guy that we were thinking and celebrating him even before he came to us.

So on the way to London we got Tim Hortons--I love having coffee while we drive and the new Lattes were on for $1.  I confess that we didn't realize the drink we got Liam actually had espresso in it ... oops!

Shawn got tired of driving so we let Liam have a go at it.

Okay, maybe not.  Shawn just had to run into Best Buy for a minute.

Then off to Swiss Chalet YUM!

There aren't any pics of me at the restaurant that I can show, because I had our little guy's picture beside me (and we're not permitted to show his picture on the internet yet). 

Then off to the movies!!!  We saw Journey 2 and it was great!

And that was our day!

On slightly more depressing note, we found out today that the government (here in Ontario) is not willing to amend the fact that we're supposed to have death certificates from both bio parents of our little guy.  Our adoption agency is appealing this and has to submit the appeal by the end of this month.  So, again, today has been a difficult day. 

This is just another chance for me to trust God to do the impossible. 

I trust Him as my Comforter, Almighty, Guide, Refuge and Strength, and my Advocate!

We were supposed to hear news “early this week at the latest” with regards to how we’ll be allowed to progress with this adoption.  I guess Friday still is pretty early in the week.

 

On a more positive note, my muffins turned out nicely... I had to chisel the lemon loaf out of the pans … but the muffins are good.

“The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still." Exodus 14:14

Trust

I sat in my son’s room last night ... not Liam’s room.  I sat on his bed and just thought.  It’s been so busy this month—at times there has been more business than sanity, but it has been good because I find that the busier I am, the less I dwell on the absence of one of my children (don’t get me wrong, I think and pray for him every day, but I don’t dwell).  Well, it was quiet last night and I just went into his little room and sat on his bed.  I thought about how I wished that he was sleeping in it—we had thought he would be here by now.

I’m so glad to be able to trust that God is in control.  If I didn’t have Him I’d be crazy by now (er, crazier).  For months now I’ve been drinking out of a certain mug (I LOVE coffee).  It simply says “Trust”.  I drink coffee all day every day (don’t judge) and wanted to be able to be reminded that I can’t worry about my timeline and that I can trust God.  Simple, but so huge.  He is so good to me. 

I don’t want to seem whiney in this post, I think that I wanted to write about this because I know there are so many families out there waiting for their babies.  It hurts to have another Christmas go by, another year go by without our babies.  Especially when I believe that most of us believed that this would finally be the year we would be able to have our children.    It’s been such a long journey with many delays and I find myself with the thought that I can make it through this Christmas knowing that he will be home by next Christmas ... well it’s next Christmas and so I will choose to trust and hope and say it again ... My son isn’t here this Christmas, but I look forward to next Christmas when I can fill his stocking and sit on his bed and watch him sleep.

For all you moms and dads who are still waiting for your babies, I’m crying with you, thinking of you, hoping with you and praying for you.

Love,
Juanita

The Silence

I set up my Christmas tree this morning. . .

When I brought out the stockings I cried. 

We are at what seems to be a stand still with the adoption.  Difficulties surrounding the fact that our boy isn’t a “true orphan” have created a big problem.  We are now going weeks with no news and seemingly no progress and thus I have a stocking for our Rwandan son that will be empty when I had all along believed and hoped he would be home for Christmas (or shortly after).  Without a doubt I know that God is All Powerful and working even when I cannot see any movement.  At Church last Sunday, the message was about seeing situations through God’s Eyes and how that can change everything.  I believe, trust, and hope but still I am sad that things are taking longer than I had hoped (actually about 2 years longer than I had hoped).  I know all the truths about God.  I know He is Amazing.  Unfortunately, I am obviously not as patient as I thought I was and my heart aches to hold my boy when apparently it is not yet time.

I have decided to use this time wisely.  I’m not going to put my life on hold waiting.  I will hope to accomplish great things for Him in the mean time.  I will become more the woman and mother He wants me to be during this time.  I will hunt down those dust bunnies that have gathered during the business and obliterate them! 

I have put off writing anything until today because this wait has been painful and longer than I had hoped.  But these hurdles are part of the process so I will share them, cry while I type and the pull up my big girl panties, find out where God is working and join Him!

Liam set up his Christmas tree a while ago.  It's difficult to see here, but it has a StarWars theme.

And then there is the manger set up.   So thankful He came.  He is my hope. 

Please pray for us & for our son in Rwanda. 
I covet your prayers.

I wish you could see my boy!

I feel like a proud grandma! 

Don’t worry, my 7 year old son isn’t pregnant or anything like that.  I have some pictures of our Rwandan son, and I keep them in a little album in my purse, so I’m constantly pulling the album out to show everyone pictures of my amazing little boy.  I am SO thankful that we have these pictures.  We don’t have a full official referral yet (we’re still waiting on his medical results and Ontario is requiring that he be a ‘true orphan’ and thus to adopt him we need death certificates for both parents), but we have pictures and we have hope.  My wonderful mother in law told me last week that even if something happened and we weren’t able to adopt him, that he was still her grandson because she already loves him and he’s in her heart for good.  I have times where I’m afraid that they might not be able to find the death certificates or that he might have a disease and then wouldn’t be allowed to bring him home, but then I have joy knowing that right now there is an entire church and our whole group of friends and family praying for this orphan (whether he is ours or not, he is covered in prayer—what a gift).

As of today, we have no new news ... but that’s okay.  I’ve been reading the blogs of a number of families who are in Rwanda right now meeting and adopting their children.  How incredible!!!  I look forward to when that is our family blogging, meeting our son, making our way through tons of paperwork  etc.  Until then, I have lots of work to do here in Canada.  Tomorrow we’re going to the travel clinic to get our shots ... I’ll be bringing my granny album of pictures of our son and you can bet I’ll be whipping it out to show anyone who is willing to look!

This is my granny album. 

No, I'm not a cat person, just cheap--there weren't many choices at the dollar store.