Trust

I sat in my son’s room last night ... not Liam’s room.  I sat on his bed and just thought.  It’s been so busy this month—at times there has been more business than sanity, but it has been good because I find that the busier I am, the less I dwell on the absence of one of my children (don’t get me wrong, I think and pray for him every day, but I don’t dwell).  Well, it was quiet last night and I just went into his little room and sat on his bed.  I thought about how I wished that he was sleeping in it—we had thought he would be here by now.

I’m so glad to be able to trust that God is in control.  If I didn’t have Him I’d be crazy by now (er, crazier).  For months now I’ve been drinking out of a certain mug (I LOVE coffee).  It simply says “Trust”.  I drink coffee all day every day (don’t judge) and wanted to be able to be reminded that I can’t worry about my timeline and that I can trust God.  Simple, but so huge.  He is so good to me. 

I don’t want to seem whiney in this post, I think that I wanted to write about this because I know there are so many families out there waiting for their babies.  It hurts to have another Christmas go by, another year go by without our babies.  Especially when I believe that most of us believed that this would finally be the year we would be able to have our children.    It’s been such a long journey with many delays and I find myself with the thought that I can make it through this Christmas knowing that he will be home by next Christmas ... well it’s next Christmas and so I will choose to trust and hope and say it again ... My son isn’t here this Christmas, but I look forward to next Christmas when I can fill his stocking and sit on his bed and watch him sleep.

For all you moms and dads who are still waiting for your babies, I’m crying with you, thinking of you, hoping with you and praying for you.

Love,
Juanita

The Silence

I set up my Christmas tree this morning. . .

When I brought out the stockings I cried. 

We are at what seems to be a stand still with the adoption.  Difficulties surrounding the fact that our boy isn’t a “true orphan” have created a big problem.  We are now going weeks with no news and seemingly no progress and thus I have a stocking for our Rwandan son that will be empty when I had all along believed and hoped he would be home for Christmas (or shortly after).  Without a doubt I know that God is All Powerful and working even when I cannot see any movement.  At Church last Sunday, the message was about seeing situations through God’s Eyes and how that can change everything.  I believe, trust, and hope but still I am sad that things are taking longer than I had hoped (actually about 2 years longer than I had hoped).  I know all the truths about God.  I know He is Amazing.  Unfortunately, I am obviously not as patient as I thought I was and my heart aches to hold my boy when apparently it is not yet time.

I have decided to use this time wisely.  I’m not going to put my life on hold waiting.  I will hope to accomplish great things for Him in the mean time.  I will become more the woman and mother He wants me to be during this time.  I will hunt down those dust bunnies that have gathered during the business and obliterate them! 

I have put off writing anything until today because this wait has been painful and longer than I had hoped.  But these hurdles are part of the process so I will share them, cry while I type and the pull up my big girl panties, find out where God is working and join Him!

Liam set up his Christmas tree a while ago.  It's difficult to see here, but it has a StarWars theme.

And then there is the manger set up.   So thankful He came.  He is my hope. 

Please pray for us & for our son in Rwanda. 
I covet your prayers.

I wish you could see my boy!

I feel like a proud grandma! 

Don’t worry, my 7 year old son isn’t pregnant or anything like that.  I have some pictures of our Rwandan son, and I keep them in a little album in my purse, so I’m constantly pulling the album out to show everyone pictures of my amazing little boy.  I am SO thankful that we have these pictures.  We don’t have a full official referral yet (we’re still waiting on his medical results and Ontario is requiring that he be a ‘true orphan’ and thus to adopt him we need death certificates for both parents), but we have pictures and we have hope.  My wonderful mother in law told me last week that even if something happened and we weren’t able to adopt him, that he was still her grandson because she already loves him and he’s in her heart for good.  I have times where I’m afraid that they might not be able to find the death certificates or that he might have a disease and then wouldn’t be allowed to bring him home, but then I have joy knowing that right now there is an entire church and our whole group of friends and family praying for this orphan (whether he is ours or not, he is covered in prayer—what a gift).

As of today, we have no new news ... but that’s okay.  I’ve been reading the blogs of a number of families who are in Rwanda right now meeting and adopting their children.  How incredible!!!  I look forward to when that is our family blogging, meeting our son, making our way through tons of paperwork  etc.  Until then, I have lots of work to do here in Canada.  Tomorrow we’re going to the travel clinic to get our shots ... I’ll be bringing my granny album of pictures of our son and you can bet I’ll be whipping it out to show anyone who is willing to look!

This is my granny album. 

No, I'm not a cat person, just cheap--there weren't many choices at the dollar store.

Names .. names .. names

Okay, so I had really hoped that we would be able to keep our child’s name.  I looked at it as being able to keep at least one thing from his life before the adoption because he would be losing so much.  Of course as life happens his name is not a name that would transfer into Canadian culture very well—not well at all.  I was even open to odd names, however I am sure he will be mocked incessantly if we keep his given name as his first name.  We will put it as a middle name, but now begins the process of thinking up a name for him.  Now, if he was a she, I would have a list a mile long to look at, but for a boy.  Hmmmm. 

Spinning the topic wheel a bit, it’s hard when I look at the process for my American friends because I see how after their referral they are traveling within weeks.  Our agency still isn’t sure if we’ll have him by Christmas (3 months from now).  I guess that gives us time to get things in order, but honestly, we’ve had 2 ½ years ... I’m ready to hold my boy! 

REFERRAL!

Wow!  So I woke up to Shawn sitting on our bed, looking at his ipod saying “Juanita, Juanita, uhhh, uhhhhh, Juanita!!”.  I thought he was doing some early morning bill paying so I was instantly worried, but then he was finally able to get some words out that told me he was looking at the email we had been waiting for.  It’s a boy!!!  We had been approved for siblings, either gender under the age of 4, so this was exciting but surprising.  I’m not disappointed, but it’s an adjustment.  For 2 years we had been referring to them as “our kids” but now we have to realize that we will be saying “our son”.  I love him already.  I don’t know why exactly it has worked out that we will only get one child (God knowing what is best for our family, God knowing that this is the child he has for us and he doesn’t have siblings, the government just decided to give us this child … who knows), but whatever the reason I am so thankful for this little guy.  I think one child will defiantly be easier for us as parents and I really think it will make the adjustment for Liam (going from being an only child to having a brother) a lot easier. 

So, what do we know about this little guy?  Not much!  We have one picture and we know his name—that’s it!  We have no idea how old he is.  If we say yes to him then he will undergo medical testing to make sure he is healthy.  We were only approved for healthy children, so if something big shows up, I don’t know what will happen.

I wish I could post a picture but I don’t think I’m allowed.  I don’t know when we’ll get to travel … I don’t know a whole lot, but I have a picture of a little boy that I love sooo much!  YAY!!

Isn't it Beautiful?

It’s funny, for many months I tried not to think about the adoption.  I hoped it wouldn’t come up in conversation because there was no new news … for a very long time there was no news and I was so discouraged.  Now I just stare at this poorly scanned document that was emailed to us and smile.  I’ve considered putting it on a t-shirt.  Since we’ve received our non objection letter, I’m excited about the adoption again.  That’s all I think about.  I unrealistically check our email many times throughout the day wishing for a referral.  I want to do something … when I was pregnant I nested but rightnow I don’t even know the ages or genders of the children so I don’t know what to do.  I could always clean or just get rid of extra junk, but that’s not what I want to do.  I want to prepare a room for our kids.  Maybe I will do some cleaning.  We’ll see.

A Late Start

We've been officially seeking to adopt children from Rwanda for 2 years now--2 long years :).
I've thought about putting our adventure down in words for a long time, but I haven't.  I think the fact that I've never been good at journaling or having a diary has stopped me.  Now though, I just have so many thoughts, hopes and worries that I want to write them down ... even if nobody reads them.
Most people start their adoption blogs at the beginning of the process, but not me!  We just got our non-objection letter in the email a couple of days ago (August 4th) and I'm hoping that we are at the last part of our adoption journey.
For the last number of months, any time someone would ask about the adoption I would have to fight to stop myself from crying (usually unsuccessfully).  It was hard to wait before, but we did it.  I don't know what change a few months ago, but it just seemed to be excruciating!  I don't know if it was the knowledge that it was supposed to happen last November or if it was the rumor that Rwanda would be sending out 6 month regret letters, but the result has been emotional exhaustion. 
Finally getting our non-objection letter the other day has excited me.  I am now daring to dream again.  I have NEVER lost my trust in God ... I just didn't know how long this plan was going to take.  I find myself willing to hope and willing to look to the near future and toy with the possibility that we might get a referral within a few months.  Everything in me is screaming to guard my heart, but I have spent so long feeling blue that hope just feels so good.  I'm choosing to trust, hope and dream ... we'll see how this goes!

This is my husband of almost 10 years, Shawn.  He is a man who loves God and seeks to obey Him at all costs.  He grounds me.  He is level-headed when I'm not.  He is optomistic and not afraid to dream.  I am so fortunate to share my life with him.

And this is our son, Liam.  He is 7 1/2 years old, loves Lego, Star Wars, bike riding and talking.  I am so happy to be able to homeschool him--he is so much fun to be around. 

And then there's me.  I'm 32, and love being a wife and a mom.  I realize what a gift it is to be able to stay at home to raise & teach our son.