Jealous

Ezra won’t really cuddle or sit on my lap or any fun stuff like that right now.  I think I understand why... I don’t like it, but I think I understand. 

The hard part is seeing how, even though he won’t cuddle/be held by me, he will lavish all that on random friends and people who come over.  He will sit and rest and stare into their eyes as if to soak and bask in their attention.  It frustrates me because I have been trying so hard to intentionally connect with him and show him how much I love him and what it is to have a mom.  But he sees me every day—there’s nothings special about my attention right now (I spend hours singing, playing and talking with him and he has come to expect this).  But for Shawn and other visitors, their attention is more valuable because Ezra doesn’t see them as often—I get it.

I was laying in bed the other night thinking about this and all of a sudden the first line of a David Crowder song came into my head- “He is jealous for me...”.   Oh how my children show me more and more about my Heavenly Father.  I am so Jealous for Ezra, I want him to know me as his mom, not just the name ‘mom’.  I want him to desire a relationship with me, not just look to me when he wants a snack. 

I needed to hear this message He has given me.  I know my Heavenly Father desires a relationship with me.  A relationship that thrives at all times.  A relationship where I come to Him, not only when I need something, but just so that I can listen, learn and be loved by Him.  I knew this all along, but I think I feel it—I feel the rejection my God must feel from me.

Every day that I look at Ezra, I can see myself. 
When he pushes me away, I must ask myself if I am pushing God away.
When he ignores me, I must ask myself if I am ignoring my Heavenly Father.
When he is deliberately defiant, I must ask myself how I am defying my Saviour.

the words that hang in my livingroom

Oh, how my children open my eyes.